Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pamela Anderson bankrupt. Owes IRS over $500,000! Says she'll repay once she's back on her feet. IRN doesn't know when she last saw her feet

   Ben got really upset when I called him a f@g, I've never seen someone run down the road in high heels so fast.

   just wondering why they have a box to put your name in when you can just put someone else's name

   I keep my friends close and my enemies on a tight leash.

   Its not you I'm rejecting Its my heart I'm protecting

   Judging by how The Hulk speaks, he reacted badly to grammar rays as well.

   "Love me tender." - pirate describing his fondness of breaded chicken

   I get one pimple & here I am watching Proactive infomercials & thinking it's a good idea to order. BUT WAIT, there's more!!

   If wishes were kisses we'd all have mono. well, until someone wished they didn't....where was I going with this?

   wish they had black friday deals for college tuitions tho..

   They say pot is a Gateway drug. If I don't hurry up and smoke some, this POS Gateway computer is going out the window.

   What's Herman Cain and Sandusky's favorite song? "It wasn't me" by singer Shaggy featuring RicRok

   Thinking about buying one of those mattresses I've seen on TV just so I can leave half-full glasses of wine on it.

   some Females get all dressed up for school but fail all their classes.

   i get called "insane" at least four times a day by both real and imaginary people.

   Just put Nicotine patches on my eyelids, now I can see noises!

   My last relationship ended when she asked me to take out the trash and I said, ok… where do you want to go?

   All successful people have had plans that failed, but none have ever failed to plan.

   I'm not buying that "Oops, I accidentally deleted you" line again sausage fingers.

   This cute guy I met just texted that he wants to "hang out" tonight, but he lives in the Valley & I made him up.