Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎My teddy bears in the wash, may I cuddle with you tonight.

   Go hang a salami and I'm a lasagna hog are the same backwards.

   i wish I was a white crayon , So no one could use me

   The ladies call me Mr. Plow and I don't even have a plow.

   Dear Best Buy truck driver , thanks for the fresh load of fertilizer in my shorts . Next time look both ways before pulling out .

   Damn babe are you Obama’s birth certificate because my mom doesn't believe you exist

   I hate when I walk into Abercrombie and Fitch and I see pictures of me, all over their walls..

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   If people ask how many kids you have don't say negative two. No one wants to hear about your abortions.

   n't it ironic when you put THE and IRS together it beomes "theirs"? hmmm

   No matter how old you are an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a Sword!

   I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. Still not sure how he put them on.

   If you are down and depressed and don't know what to do, just remember, Nationwide is on your side.

   Eventually everything will be offensive and we'll go back to living in caves.

   I will believe corporations are people when Texas executes one

   Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope. I didn't know planets had telescopes...

   No bids on Jay Cutler autographed football at charity event. Because he didn't sign it Tom Brady. . .

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 6...

   I wanted to put an England flag up outside my house but couldn't find one anywhere, luckily the old french soldier who lives next door gave me his flag and I just painted a red cross on it!

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.