Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go hang a salami and I'm a lasagna hog are the same backwards.

   i wish I was a white crayon , So no one could use me

   The ladies call me Mr. Plow and I don't even have a plow.

   Dear Best Buy truck driver , thanks for the fresh load of fertilizer in my shorts . Next time look both ways before pulling out .

   I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. Still not sure how he put them on.

   If you are down and depressed and don't know what to do, just remember, Nationwide is on your side.

   Eventually everything will be offensive and we'll go back to living in caves.

   I will believe corporations are people when Texas executes one

   Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope. I didn't know planets had telescopes...

   No bids on Jay Cutler autographed football at charity event. Because he didn't sign it Tom Brady. . .

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 6...

   I wanted to put an England flag up outside my house but couldn't find one anywhere, luckily the old french soldier who lives next door gave me his flag and I just painted a red cross on it!

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

   I just deleted all the German contacts from my phone. It's now Hans free

   theres nothing hotter than when a guy stares at my cleavage amd I pretend to get offended....

   If life hands you lemons, hey.... free lemons.

   Hey ladies that still wear one-piece bathing suits: Nope.

   n't it funny that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom? Coincidence? I think not!

   George Clooney could have any woman he wanted. Yet he's out fighting for peace in a third world country... What a moron

   Pictures of the Queen naked....Oooops! This isn't Google.....