Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many guys think all women are crazy. That's not true. If they knew one well enough, they wouldn't think that anymore. They'd know it first hand.

   Watched a guy exit a mini van wearing a West Coast Choppers t-shirt. WTF.

   Ladies; Don’t turn off the lights when having sex or he will be thinking of someone else the whole time.

   Officer, I resent your accusatory tone & choice of words... FYI: She is my ‘trunk guest’,,, I served her ‘refreshments’,,, and she is ‘in repose’

   Friday are we there yet?

   Are we sure that Wentworth Miller really wanted to do a "Prison Break"?

   Have you ever heard of soulmate? Like my soul wants to mate without your soul?

   I found out two interesting things last night: 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbours have bought a new hot tub.....

   Some were born to stalk, some were born to be stalked.

   Q) What did the snail say when rode on the turtle's back? A) WHEEEEEEEE!!!

   we can be friends or we can be spiders

   As far as I'm concerned, it was false advertising. When I transferred funds to the seller, I had no idea that I was buying a dog, not a candy factory. Chocolate Lab indeed....

   My legs always feel like jelly after sex. It must be all the running beforehand.

   Was it THAT wrong writing, "To my sweet little Butter Face" on my girlfriend's Birthday card?

   so many hotties... and they're all freaking scared of me!

   For all you people wanting to say that the lights went off bc of the illuminati, your wrong! Teddy P said "Turn out the lights" and when he says turn out the lights, you turn out the damn lights!

   Gong Xi Fa Ca! Happy Chinese New Year! And hopefully, when you wake up after two too many mai tais, you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Yu Bang Mi Nao" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   One time I actually proposed, but she said "I don't think I have it in me". When we finished having sex, I never saw her again.

   What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

   I'm not saying you're ugly! I'm just saying you're a 12 pack away from being why type!!!