Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Comin' up next on Mythbusters: Does Democracy REALLY work??.. ( high-speed footage of Buster being shot out of a cannon and into a voting booth.. )

   If I offer you an inch and you decide to help yourself to a mile! I won't bother waiting for Karma to take care of business...Just Sayin'

   Having a p enis doesn't make you a man. Getting mad at some Ikea wood pieces after not reading the instructions makes you a real man.

   Abraham Lincoln was a badass vampire hunter too?? Why did I never learn about that in school?

   My p3nis is just like an Elephants Trunk.... It's not big... I can just pick peanuts up with it

   I hope Sandy doesn't blow all the dirt off the top of New Jersey's landfills...I mean mountains!!

   I wish I loved anything as much as Donald Trump loves to be relevant.

   Wife asked me if I liked Cranberry for Thanksgiving, I said that depends on what you serve it with. She said Turkey and Gravy? I said no silly, VODKA....!!! If looks could kill....

   As long as my girlfriend and I aren't fighting, we like sit down on the couch and get into a nice, long argument.

   Your life must be really pathetic if you spend your time and energy fighting against the rights of others.

   Attention Lobsters & Crabs with one super buff claw,,, Please consider working out with the other one sometimes.. You look pretty dumb OK

   Many guys think all women are crazy. That's not true. If they knew one well enough, they wouldn't think that anymore. They'd know it first hand.

   Watched a guy exit a mini van wearing a West Coast Choppers t-shirt. WTF.

   Ladies; Don’t turn off the lights when having sex or he will be thinking of someone else the whole time.

   Officer, I resent your accusatory tone & choice of words... FYI: She is my ‘trunk guest’,,, I served her ‘refreshments’,,, and she is ‘in repose’

   Friday are we there yet?

   Are we sure that Wentworth Miller really wanted to do a "Prison Break"?

   Have you ever heard of soulmate? Like my soul wants to mate without your soul?

   I found out two interesting things last night: 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbours have bought a new hot tub.....

   Some were born to stalk, some were born to be stalked.