Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone crafted this little gingerbread man out of cookie dough and lovingly baked it. Now I have to explain to him about death.

   If there was a game show based off of Mario Party, I would definitely want to be on it,

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want..." -Peter Griffin

   Sex with me is like Sex with an optometrist: better like this, or better like this, How about this, or like this. Better here or here.

   Ya know you had a good night when you wake up next day having used the coffee table as Duvet !!

   Now Wit #MW3 bein released 2day.there will B an increase of snack n Drink consumption, Lack of Sleep n Angry Wives/GF's All Around The World

   Every time I type "not" it auto-corrects to "Nottingham." I think I accidentally stole Robin Hood's iPad.

   With all these gold diggers coming forward, Herman Cain's got a long road to "HOE".

   Did you hear that Apple is developing a new Alternative Gas Source that everyone can help contribute to? They are going to call it the iFart.

   It is what It is, I am who I am,believe it or not... I don't give a damn!

   When watching the DIY network your remote should automatically not allow you to change the channel or volume. So now you have to get up and......

   45 days and counting until I start a new count down

   i have all the right answers ...you just ask the wrong questions

   I woke up humping the wall of my pillow fort, in case you were wondering how my s@x life is going.

   HA! heard on the radio today talking about names of movies that sound like you're taking a crap......crouching tiger,hidden dragon.....any which way you can.....just to name a few of the many...

   In the future, when it is discovered that what doesn't kill you DOESN'T actually make you stronger, I want to be the first to inject Kelly Clarkson with copious amounts of cobra venom. Let's be real, Miss Independent.

   true fact - mcdonalds shamrock shakes makes your turd green

   Dares you to go outside, throw a rock at your car and yell "LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR STATE FARM IS THERE!"

   Putting a garden in your backyard to hide the spot where grass wont grow may not be the best idea ever

   In my opinion, McDonalds cant serve breakfast all day because neither a 14 or a 70 yr old can see the difference between a hamburger and sausage patty