Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who cares about threats over the internet. You can't be a bada*s with a keyboard. Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics, even if you win you're still retarded.

   Farmers complaining about the drought. Why not just buy corn at the store??..... idiots

   likes to fill up the bath, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's jus been hit.

   a four time olympic gold medal winner, and a compulsive liar

   dreamed he ate a 10lb marshmellow, when I woke up the pillow was gone!!! WTF

   Who says women don't like simple, cheap things..we like guys don't we?

   You are the rain to my showers, the April to my flowers, the fresh to my air, you are the sun to my set, you make my day beautiful.

   i see you poked me, does that mean your dtf?

   I see Trump is still living rent free in the heads of those who live rent free... in mommy and daddy's basement.

   "Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came I saw I stuck around!"

   I passed a Deloreon the other day. I thought... ‎1985 had Ronald Reagan, Rambo, rubics cube, mullets and Bon Jovi. Why would anyone time travel 2010? Obama, Justin Bieber, and Glee are enough reasons to try a different decade.

   Being born gaa why is the dumbest statement. You barely know how to walk but you already figured out your sex ual preference??? Fohhhhh

   Jesus: "Spare the lives of the over 30,000 children due to die from starvation today or help Tebow log a symbolic 316 yards against the Steelers? Hmmm..."

   Once the authorities say the shooter suffers from mental issues, then you automatically know its code for he is a white male.

   Ladies, it doesn't hurt to douche y'know

   wife: "hunny, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear" . . . husband: "kitchen, living room, dining room, bed room, should I keep going?" . . .

   Freedom itself was attacked by a faceless coward 11 yrs ago, that faceless coward....THE GOVERNMENT

   "life is just like Mario brothers, you have to slay a few dragons to get to the princess"

   The National Eczema Association are currently fundraising. They've just launched a scratch card.

   watering a fake plant