Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   It's 4:20 on 4/20! Do you know where your bong is?

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking.

   just seen on news a midget got pickpocketed, how could anyone stoop so low?

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude you made your girlfriend a sandwich."

   Sooooo turtles don't eat pizza?

   What the hell is up with "Fun sized" candy? There is nothing fun about less candy.

   We should probably get ready for the Celebrity Plea for Donation....like they cant flip the bill themselves...

   I got caught with a booger on my finger. So I put it back in her nose and apologized for disturbing her nap. I'll try again later.

   I prematurely panicked with the hurricane Sandy warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   If 2012 does begin to happen we'll just have Kanye interrupt it.

   HA! got the dallas cowboys broadcasting the superbowl. "thats the only way the cowboys can get to the superbowl"

   Alors On Danse.. :)

   when a phone,beeps,vibrates and flashes to tell you it is low on batteries its like a homeless person burning 50 $ bills to show you he's poor

   Thinking of moving to Ohio because of ease of spelling the state. Only three letters to remember.

   Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife, it's a good thing she wasn't underage or that would've been awkward.

   Don't know if anyone heard about this, but Pope Benedict XVI now has a Twitter account. No surprise his first tweet said "Praise our Lord Jesus Christ." Kinda weird that he added the "lol..."

   Thinks that there should be handicapped parking for drunk and stoned people..just saying.

   Q: What should you do if you meet a nympho? A: Thank your lucky stars, and start believing in God.

   if they started putting missing childrens pis on beer cans instead of milk cartons, they'd be found within 15 mins..