Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't stand people who say "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

   singing , , , , , chameleon ♫♪ ♫♪ ♫♪

   When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

   Males are born with a closed fist.Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position of the size of a credit card!

   I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

   Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   if I had a nickel for evertime I ignored your friends request, I could buy facebook with all my change..

   I hired Helen Waite as my assistant. So if you need anything from me you must go to Helen Waite.

   trying to think of ways to coax the gerbil out. Shoulda known they could chew through a sock

   planning on stuffing my turkey with Froot Loops - I find it is colorfully festive and fun for the kids!

   Thanksgiving: Stuff the bird, make some stuff, stuff the tables with the stuff you made, and last...(trumpet sounds)...stuff your FACE! ... You just made those trumpet sounds, didn't ya???

   Cranberry sauce is seriously misnamed. Sauce doesn't retain the shape of the can it comes in. Let's call it what it is. That stuffs cranberry jello.

   Sometimes when I'm bored I take red and blue M&Ms and walk up to random people...And try too convince them that one of them will get'em out the Matrix.....

   My wife is so fat she speaks in surround sound!!

   snowed inn with his family a loaf of bread and 3 fish...uh what was that recipe again Jesus?

   BREAKING NEWS: Miami Heat joins LeBron James.

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   I wish my grass was EMO so it would cut itself

   It's funny how when funky smellin powder is sent thru the mail anonomously Homeland Security is all over that sh*t. But when the same kind of funky smellin powder fills the air everytime Hef takes off his daiper at the Playboy Mansion no one gives a sh*t.