Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.

   Due to his anger issues, trigger finger and his apparent racial hatred...George Zimmerman had been asked by Law Enforcement to avoid all Black Friday events today.

   An illiterate man is a dead man walking.

   The opening sequence in The Lion King, but me lifting my first beer after work.

   If you insist on doing an April Fool's rib today, at least make a child cry.

   I'm killing drinks like it's the alcoholocaust.

   Kermit the frog puppets sales are up......but that's none of my business tho!

   "I Love You just the Way You Are" is the best compliment ever.

   Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.

   When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

   Males are born with a closed fist.Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position of the size of a credit card!

   I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

   Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   if I had a nickel for evertime I ignored your friends request, I could buy facebook with all my change..

   I hired Helen Waite as my assistant. So if you need anything from me you must go to Helen Waite.

   ...Singer Morrisey says Chinese are a “subspecies.” Sorry I'd write more but there's a subspecies at my door with my dinner

   I was thinkin bout her, thinkin bout me, what we gonna be? open my eyes, yeah... it was only just a dreammmmmmmmm .....

   maybe we can chug on over to mamby pamby land, where Maybe we can find some self-confidence for you, ya Jackwagon!! ...... tissue? ...... crybaby

   got bored with the eclipse and watched Lord of the G-strings instead.