Funny Status Messages
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My life's an open Facebook 
It doesn't matter how many times I find myself, coz there'll always be someone telling me to get lost.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."
When sh!t hits the fan, you have to make the decision to stop chilling with people who throw their own feces at ceiling fans. Seriously guys
When I get a chick's facebook birthday notification and it's some name I don't know, I'll look to see if she's hot. If she's not...no shout out. I hate myself.
I think if some people were to actually post something positive on Facebook they would spontaneously combust. Frickin Emos!!
I am buying a 2013 diary this year because I am an optimistic SOB.
& who else adds that little pointless arrow - telling your teacher to flip the page over.
Do personal massagers that don't work end up on the Island of Misfit Sex Toys?
I was watching Rudolf the other day and I have to call shenanigans, half way through it I realized reindeer can't talk!! Fooled again!
I'm just like Rebecca Black...it takes me until Friday to decide whether I'm sitting in the front or back seat.
Had a good scare tonight, thought I was experiencing tunnel vision,. Until I looked in the rear view mirror and I realized was wearing my hoodie... "whew"
Why don't people throw all of their paperwork up in the air when they're frustrated, like they used to do in 80s movies? It feels great.
I'd actually be more excited to see an image of a grilled-cheese sandwich appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich.
America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).
When I am home alone and I hear a noise, I freeze and listen.
AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?
to all my haterz...I hope you step on a lego.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. Yeah that'll teach 'em to not mess with you.
The other day I was trying to think of Cris Brown's biggest hit....That's when I realized it was Rihanna! 