Funny Status Messages
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Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak. 
All dressed in my jammies and ready for bed, gonna give my sheets some ass and my pillows some head!! nighty night!!
a busy day of laying on the couch while snacking and watching football ahead.
1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz
I have a dream, that I could just get paid for having a dream.
I going to wear my Pinocchio G-string underwear to bed..... and tell my wife to tell me lies,,,,,,, tell me sweet little lies!!!!!!!...I will let you know how it goes.... LOL :-)
Im 100% convinced, the Coronavirus is nothing but a l*beral plot to take down Trump. I hate libt*rds so much!
they found the body of the guy who stole all the celebrity's nude photos. Apparently he has been high fived to death.
I am drawn to people that seek the truth, but avoid those that profess to have found it. Take a hint preachers.
As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice.
says learning Linux isn't just easy, it's fun, too! Actual shell commands: "unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep"... ahhh the subtle beauty of UNIX.
- Ok, so you say I shouldn't drink and drive. I understand that part, but then how the f*#@ am I supposed to get home?
Paula Deen loves fried chicken but she don't like no dark meat!
missing the way things were...where the F is that time machine?
as seen on TV
Hey you looney liberal... if that hooker says she'll give you an "Obama" for $20, she means she'll be happy to take a sh!t your face.
cutting your brakes
Jury Duty is where the government calls you when they want and says, "Hey Bro, we need you to solve a murder, here's $15.00."
I hate when my dog stares at me while I'm having sex. That's why I bang him from behind.
Cain's plan: Nine, nine, nine. OBama's plan: none,none,none. 