Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz

   I have a dream, that I could just get paid for having a dream.

   found it really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around, and I guess that's what it's all about....

   dear gays. It's not you, it's me. I hate most straight people too…

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   I was asked how I can be happy when those I love suffer. They need my light during those times not my darkness. I burn brighter FOR them.

   V I think the Supreme Court and most government officials went to the same summer camp

   My dog has mastered two tricks now. It might not sound impressive, but most dogs can't even ride a BMX.

   If Internet Explorer has the balls to ask you to set it as your default browser, don’t tell me that you don’t have the guts to ask her out.

   I just saved hours of small talk by switching to fat hoes.

   Saw a bar of gold running down the street ,so shouted after it................AU

   The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

   I love being a woman. I can slap anyone on the ass and get away with it.

   remember kids to always try 100%...not just 53%...u still need that other 47% to get things done

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend. Lets all reflect on my life together.

   Careful what you write on my FB. My wonderful, charming, brilliant boss reads everyone's email and st@tus Commments! Even if your not his friends he is always on top of things, such a wonderful boss!.....

   And the worlds biggest fan of the band Bullet for My Valentine goes to... Oscar Pistorius!!

   There's nothing hotter than a f@t girl in stockings. Not appearance wise, I'm talking temperature.

   I’m totally gonna ask this lady breast feeding her baby, for a little squirt for my coffee.

   Seeing Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon do history of Rap, is like seeing Kat Williams and Jay-Z do History of Country!