Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cop pulled me over last night. I let him off with a warning.

   I don't consider them one night stands. I prefer to call the auditions.

   I'm changing my voicemail to say, "Hi mom. Just text me"

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean seriously, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   Seeing eye Pit Bulls. They're for rough neighborhoods.

   My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about how childish I am but she didn't know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in

   You know what really gets a lady wet?........Rain.

   The more you're human, the less friends you have.

   Lindsey Graham announced he is running for president. Nice to have a Southern Belle in the race.

   "I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu

   I just got a back tattoo that says "Sorry kids, pay for your own damn college."

   My stomach is so torn up I'm playing Russian Roulette when I fart.

   Never fake your own death to get out of a relationship with a necropheliac.

   Good luck to all the Hunters this weekend! I've had no luck hunting White Tale all year!

   Even though I finished my test first, I wait for someone else to get up...

   You knowlife sucks when you can hear the girl you love moaning in the room next door where your bestfriend is...

   If you ever find me on my death bead, please take me off my death bed and put me in my alive bed.

   meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime..

   Clearly the lifeguard is to blame for letting that many people into the pool. Case closed.

   If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.