Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently you shouldn't ever answer a girl's text message with “k.” Bad idea.

   How come when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

   President Lyndon B. Johnson owned an amphibious car and would scare his guests by driving into a lake, screaming about brake failure. Those are the same people who don't like Obama.

   Your sexy legs looks like an Oreo cookie. I want to split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle....

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn't said anything, but I can bet that's what she is thinking.

   "I had no choice" - People who had a choice but feared the consequences

   Shirley Temple died today. I just wish there was something I could drink to honor her.

   When one door closes and another window opens you have a ghost

   Her: You came home drunk last night! Me: I wasn't drunk! Her: You slept with your motorcycle helmet on...

   Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"? 'Robin Williams, Mrs doubtfire'

   And then there was the blind prostitute. You really have to hand it to her....

   Hey, people who only order one drink at last call. What's it like to be a quitter?

   I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again. I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

   The cry of the old hyena and the loss of the young goat are one.

   Vodka is like water, but with superpowers.

   Bring me pizza and beer and me love you long time.

   I look at people sometimes and think, "for real? That's the sperm that won??

   Dear Customer Service, I'm happy to inform you I've written this whole email with my middle fingers. _|_

   2 years ago the creator of redbull died, to this day his eyes are still open.