Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Should we really lose sleep over these retards who ignore warning signs or should we just let nature take its course?

   Its awesome how you can feel happy, sad, scared or aroused just because of the arrangement of pixels on your screen.

   Attn: numbskull public bathroom users- would it kill ya to *Flush* when you're done??

   We've wrapped cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and are ready for the guy to break into the house while we're sleeping!

   It's amazing the things you'll do while procrastinating; it's almost anti-procrastination. It's like "Well, I just re-read all 7 Harry Potter books, learned fluent German and mastered the ability of knife throwing... But I still didn't start that essay",

   Oh don't act like you never lean forward while pushing down on the gas pedal to go faster.

   so much for the discount double check aaron rogers

   Ive been here for a while but never post, but every time someone upsets the balance and brings something new all you people do is complain. It refreshing to see somebody like meatloaf offer up some positive feedback.

   Giraffe/camel...same thing. Unless you're looking at the toes.

   I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance. By fleeing all scenes of accidents.

   I wish when people called me, instead of getting my voicemail, they got diarrhea.

   Remember: One man's trash is another man's girlfriend.

   I enjoy long walks on the Internet ;)

   I find the butchest way to eat a banana is to take my dress off.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

   dont try to hold a fart coz it will travel up your spine, to your brain and thats where sh!++y ideas come from

   My woman calls me the UPS man, cause I deliver that package right on time. Or it could be because I wear ugly brown shorts.

   Sometimes there's no nicer feeling than pissing into a bottle But other times I hate my job at the bud lite factory

   Now that the Euro2012 football has finished , I wonder how many husbands will go back to their wives only to find that they have been replaced by `Mr Christian Grey` and something that requires batteries ?!!!

   Never buy a used phone. I mean idk about you but I usually take my phone with me when I'm taking a sh!t