Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried it & it worked! It gived me your mothers address

   When you stop looking thru the distorted mirror held up for you in this world- it provides a measure of clarity which is refreshing! But the downside is you actually see how; distasteful, counterfeit, society is currently... objectively determined values

   could someone please tell me whats stopping mcdonalds from selling hotdogs? mcweenies would be mcawesome

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   Sex bruises are good bruises!

   Here's my cup of care \_/ Oh look. It's empty.

   A cop pulled me over and said "I need your license, I need your insurance and I need your registration!" I said "What about ME & my NEEDS!?"

   It's fitting to have Wrestlemania on April Fools Day..

   I still hate peeps

   Whenever I have a truck driver call me asking for directions I just start making sh*t up. I still wonder if that guy ever found Kaka Street.

   Tweakers tend to use Five Hour Energy's dirty cousin, Five Inch Line Energy.

   I always eat at McDonald's when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.

   The correct measurement of toilette paper is from the dispenser to the floor for two-ply, and dispenser to the floor with a half turn for single.

   Forget Beniffer & Brangelina! The new power couple in Hollywood is Peeta & Katniss from The Hunger Games! Or Peeniss for short.

   painted my trash cans to look like minature buildings so if my neighbors do the same our street will look like a tiny city on trash day

   It's really annoying when you want to talk to someone, but you have a feeling that they don't want to talk to you.

   was just thinking ... are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   Who else thought Spongebob's parents were cookies?

   Going out tonight!.. looking to soap some windows and egg a few houses maybe even the ol' burning dog poop-bag gag!..that's right!..were looking to have a good old fashion Halloween!

   I got the Moo-oo-ooves Like J. Edgar