Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   12-31-2019 11:00, I said it once and I'll say it again. If you're not happy here, the leave! No one is forcing you to stay.

   If I ever win $10,000,000 in the lottery, I'm going to donate a quarter of it to charity. I can live just fine on $9,999,999.75.

   Just heard that both the FBI and DHS have both dedicated 80% of their assets to investigate the Terror group responsible for Donald Trumps Hair!

   My bed is like a little p0rn movie set, except for the lights, cameras and action.

   Hey Mr. Australian DJ, can you play some funky cold medina now?

   It's so cool you can make Facebook PINK!!! said by no one, ever.

   Back in my day we didn't have all these types of birth control. We only had "OH HELL NO!" And we used it.

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   Spending quality time with the people that really matter reminds me of who I am and recharges my love, hope and drive. I'm forever grateful.

   Political opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and no one wants to hear it.

   If Couples That Are In Love Are Called "Love Birds", Then Couples Who Are Always Fighting And Arguing Should Be Called "Angry Birds"

   It's like my dad always said, "Don't call me Dad."

   Hey bartender! I spilt my beer in my mouth, can I get another??

   I think I'll get a pet Boa Constrictor. It should be real cheap to feed him what with all the free kittens on Craigslist.

   So,, If you're blind and on the toilet, do you wipe until you count to 20,, or how does that work?

   My girlfriend says that a small pěis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she’s right or not, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have one at all!

   Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.

   6 year old to my iPhone "Cereal, where's the nearest McDonald's?"

   Redneck word of the day: MORON. Usage: "Hey ma, Miley has moron her plate than me!"

   I lost my virginity to a guy who said "just the tip"