Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm giving you all the MTQ $ex Guarantee. I guarantee you all will have $ex tonight. It's just that it may not be with another person.

   I can't possibly get eight hours of sleep a day because my work hours add up to seven

   Lite: the new way to spell "light" now with 20% fewer letters

   Its up to you if you want to feel like a million bucks or a bounced cheque.

   I always keep a cyanide capsule handy just in case my phone goes missing.

   do jaffa cakes count as 1 of your 5 a day?

   If the makers of Peeps would make marshmallow yoga mats I would totally do yoga or sit at home and eat mat all day.

   I hate when girls start fights over stupid shi t like whether or not the kid is mine.

   Well unfortunately this year again, I didnt get to buy any kid's gift on Black Friday. So I'm getting them the usual Xmas present. A big pack of batteries and attach a card to it that says "Toys not Included"..... It's the thought that counts right?

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!

   Let me fondle them with both hands in front of everyone so I know they’re real.

   @illuminatedwndr: I love you, but I don't 'Spell your name out with refrigerator magnet letters' love you

   gonna have a zoo in my backyard so I'm never lonely

   Just skipped past a quote from Gandhi on Instagram to "like" a photo of a hot dog.

   1 rule as a Realtor. Find clients budget and only show them homes priced 50k higher…

   Not sure how I feel about this potential BACON shortage...Save The Squeals.

   I love how perfect you aren't.

   Some dude just gave me the finger guns and said "cool beans, bro." It's a beautiful day for a little arson.

   I love pissing off a few hundred people before I go to bed. Waking up to a phone full of hate is the best way to start the day. <3