Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Skinny women run the world because fat women don't run.

   hard to believe that whitney houston died... well maybe not

   I tested positive for poppy seeds in my system. I blame the cocaine bagel I had for breakfast.

   You're like a snowflake: Beautiful, Unique and with one touch you'll be wet.

   Here I am!.......Now what are your other two wishes?!!!

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   I dont have a problem with guys wearing white pointed shoes, just as long as they don't curl up, dude be looking like sum extra on the set of Aladdin.

   My brother was with two women in one night.he could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

   How to Lose Weight: Turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat when offered food.

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?

   What's the difference between Rick Perry and a bucket of sh!t?? The bucket..

   Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial's title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”

   I Fell In Love With You,You Fell In Love With Someone Else,I Pray To God Whoever you Fell In Love With Falls In Love With Somebody Else...........

   Mr Bean should win the Nobel Peace Prize for recycling...the same lame act for the past 25 years.

   Why do some people feel they have speak for God and make excuses for him? Like they are his official spokesperson. Why can't he speak for himself?

   The war is over. The Confederacy lost. We're all Yankees now. Get over it!

   knows when Farrah got to heaven, God asked her if she had any last wishes. She said she wanted all of the children of the world to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.

   going to a halloween party dressed as jesus to hit on some chicks, lets see who rejects the lord tonight!

   I asked my gf to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

   (tune of row your boat) Roll roll roll your joint, twist it at the end. Spark it up and take a hit, pass it to a friend!