Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   donated £5 to the African children in need appeal, what they spend it on? A fu@king annoying world cup trumpet!

   A rattlesnake if cornered, will be so angry that it will bite itself. That is exactly what harboring hate/resentment against others is. We think we are harming others in holding these spites/hates but the deeper harm is to ourselves. ~ E, Stanley Jones

   Some people swear by taking "power naps" for energy. I say screw the naps, if you want real energy all you need is a handful of sugar and a dash of crystal meth.

   I'm heavily armed...and not afraid to flab them in your face! :P

   I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!!!

   :I've seen fashion girls do things for cocaine that even a dog wouldn't do for some peanut butter.

   Skinny women run the world because fat women don't run.

   hard to believe that whitney houston died... well maybe not

   I tested positive for poppy seeds in my system. I blame the cocaine bagel I had for breakfast.

   You're like a snowflake: Beautiful, Unique and with one touch you'll be wet.

   Here I am!.......Now what are your other two wishes?!!!

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   I dont have a problem with guys wearing white pointed shoes, just as long as they don't curl up, dude be looking like sum extra on the set of Aladdin.

   My brother was with two women in one night.he could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

   How to Lose Weight: Turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat when offered food.

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?

   What's the difference between Rick Perry and a bucket of sh!t?? The bucket..

   Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial's title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”

   I Fell In Love With You,You Fell In Love With Someone Else,I Pray To God Whoever you Fell In Love With Falls In Love With Somebody Else...........

   Mr Bean should win the Nobel Peace Prize for recycling...the same lame act for the past 25 years.