Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tomorrow the Unites States will be 235 years old......In the south it is also the day the following phrase is repeated more than any other, "HOLD MY BEER, WATCH THIS"

   Best Catch At The Home Run Derby Of All Time! Dude jumps from a ledge that's a few feet above a pool that's in right field, catches the ball, and lands in the pool! WINNING!

   i like to fast forward through menopause commercials

   I'm shocked. Amy Winehouse look like she would last 2 weeks more at least, with no worries.

   Being single just means you haven't met anyone good enough for you yet!

   I can hear all the dogs in my neighborhood laughing their a$$es off at Michael Vick's performance tonight!! One year wonder??

   I wasn't that drunk. " Dude, you were standing on your head screaming at people to quit walking on your ceiling.

   i absolutely love sending inboxes and never getting a reply. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it makes me feel.

   if you have an iphone, it means you like being told what to like.

   The GOP's answer to Obamacare-Call us when you are shovel ready.

   I Fell In Love With You,You Fell In Love With Someone Else,I Pray To God Whoever you Fell In Love With Falls In Love With Somebody Else...........

   What's the difference between Rick Perry and a bucket of sh!t?? The bucket..

   Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial's title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”

   Mr Bean should win the Nobel Peace Prize for recycling...the same lame act for the past 25 years.

   Why do some people feel they have speak for God and make excuses for him? Like they are his official spokesperson. Why can't he speak for himself?

   The war is over. The Confederacy lost. We're all Yankees now. Get over it!

   going to a halloween party dressed as jesus to hit on some chicks, lets see who rejects the lord tonight!

   I asked my gf to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

   (tune of row your boat) Roll roll roll your joint, twist it at the end. Spark it up and take a hit, pass it to a friend!

   to the man who calls wall st protestors hypocritical for using corporate made items, then you must think the slaves were hilarious for using clubs and daggers made by their masters, wearing cotton clothes, and escaping on roads paved for their masters