Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ice cream just seems to taste better with tears.

   If strippers are now called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist

   Relax. You’re not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; we’re boozers, boozers go to parties.

   Cat + Laser = Loss of bladder control

   Give a man a fish, And he'll eat for a day,,, turn a man into a fish, and I have NO IDEA I DIDNT EXPECT THAT TO WORK, KEEP SWIMMING GEORGE!! HOLD ON!?

   there may be a re-count for Pope. Turns out there were some hanging chads.

   If North Korea was to attack USA with a nuclear missile, which state do you think they should hit. Asking for North Korea.

   I hate when people say, " I gotta get my body right for the summer" I mean That's great and all, but who is going to fix your face?

   Like my daddy always said, "just because it kills your liver, dont mean it aint medicine."

   The most attractive quality in a woman is alcohol.

   If you can't be with the one you love, throw yourself into oncoming traffic

   Finally got a kiss at my favorite spot......Thanks Herseys!

   Noah from (Notebook) sent 365 letters to Ally. That's one letter a day for a year and you can't even send me ONE TEXT MESSAGE. B*tch swerve.

   Today...had to go to the doctor with ear problems....he looked in my ear and told me I had ear wax and needed to flush it (O_O) I told him...I wasnt putting my head in one of them things (o_O)

   there's that old saying that "you are what you eat" so for Halloween i'm thinking of passing out dum dum suckers to the neighborhood kids

   The Mich St/Indiana winner gets “The old brass spittoon”. I'm pretty sure Indiana lost on purpose…

   I must be a good driver. Some scraggly looking guy on the side of the road just gave me a thumbs up!

   I had a prince once. I traded him in for a man.

   wishes she had some nuts right now :)

   Wondering how much I owe Columbia House on those Use your illusion tapes :/