Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a suicide bomber instructor. Suicide bomber training: Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to show you this once.

   I wonder if Asians throw rice at a Chinese wedding?

   Women are amazing--they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

   In a Relationship w/ Friday. "I'm really happy to see you again, you know how much I love you and miss you. Although we only see each other once a week, you never fail to make me happy. What I really like the most about you is that UNLIKE GIRLS, you don't

   Not even FEMA could help the saints

   My ex left me for some balding, over-weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.

   why did the chicken cross the road? "to get to your house"..knock knock..who is there? "the chicken"

   If you think the Dems worked with the entire world on a “new hoax” to take down Trump, then yes I think you are stupid.

   Joined a gym today it had one machine that did everything: twix, mars and snickers, milk way, Doritos.

   I ate a fish burger at Sea World and it suddenly dawned on me that I could be eating a slow learner

   Scenario: The armed police officer following Casey Anthony out of jail with a AR15, " fake tripping and firing 10 rounds in her back" PRICELESS!!!

   c'mon people, gays have a right to be as unhappy as the rest of us... incidentally NYs divorce rate is about to go up...

   "The Lord moves in mysterious ways" said Peter while Jesus did the moonwalk.

   The only time you will see Ameriscans bow heads....is when the CANADIAN national anthem is playing!

   Bike Week...or as it's also known: White Trash On Wheels Week

   Daenerys Targaryen is such an overrated character "ohh look at me I have dragons" you know who else had a Dragon Rubeus Hagrid.

   people confuse bad luck and bad decisions way too often

   if a man says to a woman,"Girl, you better go in the kitchen and bring me a sandwich," Do you know what a good comeback for that ladies? You better "comeback" with a God damn sandwich.

   Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”? Simply buy normal jeans and put on a sheetload of weight.

   I'm sorry I karate chopped your grandma...but her stroke face was all like, "Come at me, bro".