Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're drunk when you're at the bar. And everytime you're trying to find the bathroom feels like the first time you tried to find the bathroom

   You are proudly invited to my BBQ party on the 4th where a large gathering of people will proudly display their dependance of alcohol on independence day!

   Guys, she makes you guess what's wrong, so you unknowingly give her other sh!t to be mad about too.

   You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be used as a flotation device.

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! -->"

   They say Hard times don't last forever...So someone might wanna tell Hard times that :/

   5.Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

   Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.

   by the end of this week, most women will "wake" up from that royal wedding...

   I would just like to point out on this momentous occasion today that historically, Roalty has always been a product of inbreeding

   what would you say if a guy walks in for an interview without a shirt, and I hired him... what would you say?......... he must of had on some really nice pants.

   FACEBOOK IS GOING TO START CHARGING FOR THEIR SERVICES!!! All money sent should be mailed to my home address.

   I'm pretty sure Whoopi Goldberg is Lil Wayne's real mother or long lost sister.

   Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply!

   The key to a woman's heart is shaped like a large wiener and has a Visa symbol on it.

   Shout out to everyone who ever gave GOD I mean Bishop Eddie Long Stroke money. Your money got put to good use today. I'm sure GOD is proud. Shout out to the Building Fund also. That private bedroom he has in his office must be nice.

   I had to sit on the floor at the airport so I could charge my phone and iPad. This must be what the depression felt like.

   I got so drunk last night I though a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

   million dollar Idea! !!..Cologne for your balls that activates at the the drop of a sweat.

   Controversy in Tibet... they are naming the first black Dalai Lama, the Dalai Lamar.