Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have so many questions for people in lesbian marriages. Like, who is the wife and who is the husband? Who buys who flowers? Who opens doors for the who? Who leaves the toilet seat up? Who makes who a sandwich? Who just sits on the sofa watching sport?

   What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

   Attention everyone: Jon Bon Jovi isn't dead, just his career

   Really now... a show called: "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   hungry as a hostage

   An yank walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Bud.The barman replied "You're American aren't you?" The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered?"The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest f**k I have ever seen”

   What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit? -Mr.President...

   Hears an idea, Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   prediction: yankees will win 28th world series

   I don't understand Bill Clinton's surge in popularity....Didn't he leave office a dozen years ago as an impeached, disgraced, censured, lying, philandering 2 timing, womanizing, intern-humping, hillbilly?

   Religion is the most vile ailment of human evolution (or rather, devolution) in existence

   The most useless place to be is in someone's prayers.

   Sorry Tim. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

   CORONER: Amy Winehouse died from too much alcohol. hmmm alcohol kills and is legal but weed doesn't kill and is illegal hmmmm

   Bring funny back

   want$ $ucce$$ $o $he$ $uppo$edly I$ $elling $ea $hell$ $ea $hore like$ Ke$ha

   First God created men....then he had a better idea!!

   Jesus take the wheel...I'm tired...and I want to finish that dream you had issues with....

   Dear Nickelback, I'll give you a dollarback if you'll stop making music.

   in your boyfriends extended network.