Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday doesn't exist - Tomorrow never comes - There is only today - Now let these b!tches have it!

   It's all New Orleans Saints day.

   Tonight , I will be the Designated Drunk

   I'm not a player, I just tuck a lot. ~Transvestites

   My neighbor called the cops because he thought I was screaming in pain when in fact I was just singing in the shower.

   Having trouble sleeping? How about I tuck you in with this left hook.

   Love is when you wake up with your boxers around your ankles and your hands full of peanut butter, right?.

   "Business in the front, party in the back" would be a terrible slogan for a medical clinic.

   You are the only person who will see you wearing your novelty boxer shorts.

   Yes, it's Sunday and the weekend is almost over, as time flies when your having fun...I suggest doing something really boring all day long to stretch it out until midnight!

   ive started drinking raw milk. no homo

   I got 98,998 problems, and rounding up numbers is one of them.

   More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of vodka named Responsibly.

   that Magic Mike movie makess me feel so hot! I want that!!

   Your so beautiful I can see you in 3D, yep thats my room number

   there such a thing as a Corned Beef and Cabbage Calzone?

   A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

   There is going to be no easy way to tell my GF that I'm leaving her. Mainly as she's deaf and I don't know sign language.

   I fear your addiction to attention and instant gratification is distracting you from the praise-worthy stuff I'm doing.

   I don't understand why Aardvarks are so special to the Muslims in the middle east.