Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever have an ugly child there is no way in hell they're going to find out about "Bring Your Child To Work" day.

   Wearing gray sweats and a RoadHouse shirt today if any of your kids need a role model.

   holds twitter under black light.... Gross.

   You would think part of Frank Farmer's job would also be protecting her from herself.

   I just realized, Caps Lock trying to shift and I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home and why anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.

   Today was so horrible I want to buy a picture of Calvin peeing on it to put on my vehicle.

   zombies...when Theres no more room in hell the dead will walk the earth..

   I wonder if I'm the only one who hopes they didn't take Jerry Sandusky's shoe laces away when they booked him into jail.

   “So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?

   Anyone else got that one drawer they wish they never opened?

   Glad to know that Google & Bing are the surrogate parents of this generation & can answer all the uncomfortable questions

   not sure I trust my Dr. he seems ok..except for his big red porous gin blossum nose.

   a mute's dream job to be a mime?

   my heart is the dumbest organ in my body. but also it keeps me alive.

   Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing.

   Sometimes, I wish I had a husband to ignore & not f^ck so I could build a crafts empire.

   if you've got a body that won't quit, I might as well sit back and relax.

   While using a public toilet I use the first pieces TP to cover the automatic flusher sensor because its just annoying until I'm finished.

   Ever notice the car dealerships commercials with hundreds of people running there to buy there cars...lol that never happens theres no one there..dah.!

   T-Rexs can't scratch their stomachs, it's a major design flaw.