Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama isn't Jimmy Carter bad, he's worse, he's James Buchanan bad.

   defying society's law of average.

   Unless someone want's to share, I'm staying single because all the good ones have been taken.

   You chose tragic love story I choose avoiding preventable tragedies

   "I'll make delicious food and you will eat it and then I will give you grief for getting fat and how you will die alone" - Mom

   I'm just a guy searching for a reason to get off the couch.

   JAB, Well, through the laws of averages, I've lived past my expiration date. . .

   I have so few friends that I think I just gave myself an intervention.

   I only have a problem with control when I'm not in it.

   I'm here for my ballet lessons, so move over because I look damn good in a tutu

   Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.

   true story: girl crying, calls me up and says her fiance left her a note out of the blue saying, "Babe dont worry about me, I'll be gone for 2 days!" I'm thinking she needs a drink or two with me tonight!

   What's the word for when someone realize that they love you after it's too late? Oh yeah, "get lost loser".

   Well... with the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage... I think its safe to say that a Bieber / Cyrus wedding is inevitable.

   The case of beer I bought for the 4th somehow shrank by 2/3rds last night.

   Bring a banana peel to a karate fight.

   I just found an onion ring in my French Fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind.

   You know you are hanging with the right person when it feels easy and comfortable.

   I am kind enough to forgive but not stupid enough to forget.

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.