Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts, on the LAST Jerry Springer

   I warned my daughter and I'll warn you too......I- Phone owners should not download the Pregnancy test App..... Peeing on you phone will only destroy it !!

   I bet the real reason why all the Democrats in Wisconsin jumped town is because they actually had money on the Steelers and refuse to pay up...hahaha

   Take your time, think a lot. Think of everything you've got. For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

   Outraged that Charlie Sheen turned down my offer to do a spin off show called 2 ½ grams…

   At least they performed better than the Ram pickup you push to Kragen every day...lol.----Okay, not original but I HAD to do it!

   If your going to hit my car with your door, then stare at me like ur mind me..and I ask you if you have a problem, man up and don't walk away..Stupid 90 year old lady in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks...

   Something is wrong with you - if you are having sex to gospel music.

   Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

   Congressman Weiner accused of sending photos of his weiner to a college co-ed....too funny

   Bacon strips for all meals of the day

   Im sure the bachelor party for this royal wedding crap was insane and there were lots of strippers!! But if you think about it, its kinda creepy. Could you imagine "making it rain" all over the strippers with your grandmothers face on it...

   If girls could read my mind, I'd would get punched in the face a lot.

   I bet Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts.

   Excuses are like backsides. Everybody's got one and they all stink.

   I'm only 40,699,852 likes behind Rihanna

   I got to remember not to say "nailed it" around Jesus when he returns

   Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year

   Soooo.... I take it we should expect to see Hulk Hogan put in his bid for the next GOP Presidental candidate now?

   My ex got me arrested cause I used to sit outside her house all day. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't, I just had her WiFi pass.........