Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Planet Saturn = 7 rings Michael Jordan = 6 rings Kobe Bryant = 5 rings LeBron James = 1 really nice headband

   lam is a religion of peace, and they'll kill your ass to prove it.

   If I have a baby girl..I'm going to name her "Charity" Then I will be able to hold fundraisers in her name...not to mention the tax breaks.

   someone call social services,,,Man city abused man utd

   People keep telling me I'm a dinosaur because I still use a landline telephone. I've been wanting to get rid of it for a good while now but It's really hard because it matches my abacus.

   Why are Halloween costumes so skanky??? Sorry Christmas, "ho ho ho" is now a more appropriate greeting for Halloween...

   There's a serial killer in the house! NORMAL PEOPLE: "Call the police, let's get out of here!" IN MOVIES: "Let's go find him!"

   They say real woman have curves. Well then... the woman sitting in front of me at the theatre is a real, real, real, real, real, real woman.

   I always skip a few slices of bread as a quality control measure in a loaf. This step is to insure freshness.

   u can try to get over me but you never will.

   Some girl on Facebook just posted “so happy, nothing can bring me down” Who has the heart to tell her about gravity?

   You make me want to be better at avoiding you.

   I'm CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!

   don't cry over spilled milk... it could have been beer...

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

   Nothing hotter than a big sl0ppy tub of lard with a butterfly tattooed on her b00b.

   Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

   I'm not saying I'm into guys, Babe. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a man around to kill the spiders that you and I are both afraid of.

   Hi, if I have any relatives left on my mothers side of the family can you make yourself present so I can delete your sorry ass too. . .