Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   features more cowbell than legally allowed in seven countries

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth when I'm drunk...thank you...

   Sex appeal is made up of 50% of what you got and 50% of what people think you got.

   ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

   SFOL #5: Beer goggles don't exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you'd had.

   not going to college...shes becoming a Burrito Taster!

   There should be one trained bear on each side for special teams plays in football

   going to create his own costume and fight crime

   "Ok, so we're both illiterate. I can't spell love and you can't read it."

   All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

   asked the waitress what she recommended and she said the spinach dip was bangin'. Not quite sure how I feel 'bout that.

   LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

   I asked my son if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!

   I promise I won't procrastinate anymore....I'll start tomorrow!

   just saw Eclipse and can't believe it took 3 movies (and 2 actresses) to kill off that b*tch Victoria! And Jacob - get a clue, you stalker!

   that the only reason your EX-bf wants to have you have back is EX w/ an "S" at the beginning.

   anyone want my old toaster oven? It's pretty snazzy…has the pattern of a loaf of Wonder Bread stained on the top of it….they're all the rage ya know…be the first of your friends to own one…at the low…low price of——-> FREE!”

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a smack upside the head. People who need a smack upside the head affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who needs a smac