Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer going to the pub than going to church because the spirits in the pub are real

   George Zimmerman is proof that we don't need any more gun control. We need pin-headed vigilante control.

   I swear some of yall blame Biden for everything, yet if trump was president none of you would blame trump

   If Adele spent more time on her relationships than eating non-stop at Golden Corral we wouldn't have to listen to her whiney ass songs.

   BREAKING NEWS - Obama just won an Oscar for watching a movie!

   Today I say a girl riding her bike, I thought to myself what is she doing shouldn't she be in the kitchen?

   busy Saving Humanity from the Evil Decepticons

   The only reason I want the Bears to win today is so that I can watch them lose in the Super Bowl.

   My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

   I found out that Rudy Giuliani was married to his cousin for 14 years. It all makes sense now.

   Don't know why the wife gets so disgusted when I go to the bathroom in the shower.If you step on it a few times it won't clog the drain.

   At last a new pedophile, sorry I mean Pope has been elected.

   What's Obama's last name again?. I always forget

   Saw a teenager today and I couldn't figure out if it was a boy or a girl. That's our future. Still jerked off to it though.

   I personally do not care if the Toyota's are made in my basement….it is still a Toyota. Toyota is not an American company.

   if it wasn't for the USA all you hosers up there in Canada would be speaking Russian right now...But it was a hell of a game!

   Today's Email: "I moved Bush's new memoir to the crime section at my bookstore".

   I donate .05 cents a day to a local charity. That way whenever someone tells me how great there day was I can say "Yeah, well I donated to charity"

   Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

   I don't intoxicated and delusional. I get drunk and confident.