life Funny Status Messages

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.

   [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.

   My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

   Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.

   Life is like a helicopter... I don't know how to operate a helicopter.