Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my new years resolution is 1680 x 1050

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   You're like the Tampax string hanging out of people.

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   That black cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️

   Hand dryers in restrooms are just drying your washed hands with doodoo air...

   Fact checking is hate speech!

   I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn't allowed to hit me.

   If you want to know what cereal you don't have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

   Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN me: hi Danny Devito: well hello there

   Daylight Saving Time arrives tomorrow. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   I got an air fryer because it's healthier. Of course along with my air fried pork chops I had 5 lbs of mashed potatoes with a stick of butter and a Key Lime Pie for dessert.

   Ladies, if I comment on your fb posts with the haha reaction icon, it probably means I didn't actually find it funny. It's because you're hot.

   Whoever said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store clearly lied. Everyone else had clothes on.

   I’m amazed at how frequently scientists use memes to publish the results of their studies.

   Some people are so clueless, they couldn't buy a clue at Clue-mart on National Clue Day with a fist full coupons for a free clue.

   Why put dry powdered sugar on French Toast when the good Lord created Log Cabin syrup?

   Finally cleans my toaster tray Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

   Let me get this straight. I should wear a mask, gloves, sunglasses and a hat. That sounds more like a disguise to me