Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pollen count is so high math labs are busy trying to turn their math back in to Benadryl

   i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!

   Does Octomom still have those 6 kids.

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   If you looked up the word "modest" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me.

   A certain duck who does not wear pants was questioned, but was seen signing autographs at the time.

   Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.

   Its so hot in my apartment,Satan called asking if its for sale!lol

   I just saw a digital radio going for super cheap on EBay because it's stuck on full volume. Can't turn that down!

   During my vacation, I learned alot about my self. The main thing I learned was, not to take another vacation.

   Before you go driving thru flood water, remember water made the Grand Canyon.

   I am curently baking the air in here @400° because I am not turning the heat on yet!

   I hope old Hugh went out with a bang.

   The only reason I picked up that copy of Playboy was to read Hugh Hefner's Obit.....What Pictures???

   Every time I'm put on hold for longer then 10 minutes and a recorded message says "Your call is very important to us!" I cant help but wonder how long I'd have to wait if it wasn't very important?

   Bird Box looks exactly like A Quiet Place but instead of covering their mouths, they cover their eyes. Wait, if monkeys have taught me anything... will the next movie be about people who have to cover their ears?

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.

   Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?