Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

   I really hate to make you people cry but Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West.

   Waxing my car. God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

   Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet” And not “buyarrhea”

   I participated in the downfall of America, and all I got was this lousy sticker?

   About 500 thousand astrologers in India and none of them predicted that the notes will be changed

   Shut the F**k up, eat your turkey and just be thankful!

   This milk tastes like gorgonzola cheese. The sell by date is 12/29. Never mind. 12/29/15.

   my new years resolution is 1680 x 1050

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   You're like the Tampax string hanging out of people.

   Taylor Swift reportedly has already dated, broken up with and written a crappy song about Tom Hiddleston.

   Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone.

   Oprah: You've returned after 2000 years. What's your message for humanity? Jesus: I just want everyone to know I never wore those sandals.

   An asteroid and volcanic eruptions wiped out the dinosaurs. Technology and the misuse of it will wipeout mankind.

   July 4th: The celebration of liberating slave owning populations from their higher masters with dragons, oh wait that's Game of Thrones.

   What does Elizabeth Warren and Rachel Dolezal have in common? Neither one of them knows they're white. . .

   Theresa May replaced David Cameron as UK's new Prime Minister. Finally someone with balls will run the country.

   Somebody please introduce these Anonymous Hacktivists to PokemonGo, might get them out of the house for a bit.