Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The ONE true love that makes you a sandwich and forgets that you are gluten intolerant

   "All I asked was for a sandwich and a BJ"....... - My Tombstone

   What do I have to do to get sent to your room?!

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   This dream is just beginning. Please let me sleep.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.

   I renamed my Ancestry.com file folder to Edit DNA to mess with archaeologists in the future...

   Kimye.......................In other news there is still a plane missing folks!!

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   May order Greek delivery for dinner tonite. Plan to just tell the driver what I'm prepared to pay.....

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   Kim: Honey, I haven’t heard your name in the news for over a week! Quick, say or do something stupid! Kanye: Hold my beer...

   There are now way too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.

   Seriously guys, I'm a virgin. No woman finds me attractive.

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.

   What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.