Funny Status Messages
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Thinks there are better things in life than alcohol. but alcohol makes up for not having them 
Ummm,,, I just tried to make a donation to the "Tourette Syndrome Foundation" in England,,,,, and they told me to Sod off.
My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.
Being dyslexic and online dating can be a big problem. My last date I thought it said nympho maniac. Turns out she was a necro'philic.
Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.
Checking In' on Facebook Places is really just another way of people showing other people how much better their day is/was than yours.
I didn't trip... Nature was testing my balance!!
I wish my homework was horny, so it would do itself. Just sayin.
I like, likeing the quotes everybody hates:)
hates being called handsome. If a twosome is s*x between 2 people, threesome being s*x between three people, etc...then you get my point!
Running around the office naked with the cat
"Nonexistent" is my new favorite word. It describes so many things about my life!
I donated my body to science....fiction.
All these women dancing around with swiffers and vacuum cleaners ..having a blast ..sorry ladies no more crying about how hard you worked at cleaning the house.....I DONT BY IT...!!!!
I'm in Wisconsin for two more days which should be just long enough to lose enthusiasm for existence.
There are people who are only alive thanks to the fact that killing is illegal
#HeyWendy, stop naming every #cheeseburger after your dad. I don't need to know that he's 'hot n' juicy', it's weird.
Chocolate helps everything..exept obesity..
floods, check...earthquake, check...hurricane...check, Locusts..where are those damn locusts?
There's always a little truth behind every 'jk,' a little knowledge behind every 'idk,' a little emotion behind every 'idc,' and a little pain behind every 'it's OK. 