Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q. What's in the toilet of the USS Enterprise? A. The Captain's log.

   My wife's face is all black and blue because she didn't listen to me. The last thing I said was "Honey! Watch out for that lamp post!"

   If you make eye contact with yourself while brushing your teeth in the mirror you have to swallow.

   Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation

   I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   Happy Father's Day to all you mf'er's out there!

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks

   Merck Pharma, Intel & Under Armour's CEOs all walked away from Trump after the Charlottesville incident? What the heck is going on?

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   I just put Cheez-Wiz on a Cheez-It......... Like a Boss!

   Sorry to disturb you guys, but is this the right place to sign up for a mental breakdown?

   Would like to warn everyone about the upcoming election, I wont be starting any posts but by golly if it comes up in my news feed be prepared for a piece of my mind. To avoid pieces of my mind showing up in your news feed please dont post on mine.

   In case you were wondering if I smoke pot or not, I just went in my bedroom for my phone charger and left with my belt.

   I hate crickets in the house........except for the one I just killed. He seems alright.

   Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   Don't think you can bring that $hit from other places here and get away with it!!

   I'm feeling kinda tired but that's OK. There's a nap for that.

   you're so stupid, there's not a bus short enough for you.

   People can throw away the times and memories spent together as if they meant nothing. That right there is why you shouldn't trust