Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   found out they sell Universal Remotes at Wal*Mart... I cant believe power like that is available to just anyone! Crazy!

   I fell out of my chair. This might take a while!

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.

   She didn't make me pay before she gave me service........... So I paid her in Trident Layers.........

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing....

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

   coming out of the closet. I was playing hide & seek.

   it's so hot the jalapenos in my garden were all standing over in the shade.

   Opportunity knocks but once... if Opportunity knocks twice...Opportunity walks in and steals your TV set

   me people need a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the rest of the world is up

   His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

   Today: Consumer Reports cannot recommend iPhone 4. Tomorrow: Everyone at Consumer Reports found dead.

   procrastination is when people say goodnight to facebook.

   so as I am leaving to go to work I go to unlock the door to leave...I can feel heat radiating from the door from the outside..I have always been told that if you feel heat you should not open the door....so I guess I should turn around go back to bed I sh

   If you wouldn't wear your GF shirt that has rhinestones and glitter, why would it be ok to wear one that has some other guys name on it that reads Ed Hardy?

   planning a night he'll NEVER remember!

   I'll make you swallow your pride!!

   The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

   fc%ed up like a screen door on a submarine..