Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are in love with a guy when you think about having sex with him.

   I figured out what Obama was talking about when he said there is going to be CHANGE.It's all we have left to carry in our front pocket when he is done taking his part !!!!

   never fully dressed without a smile!

   wishing your network didn't extend to her

   I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced I keep the house.

   Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

   I really want to meet yo mamma! She sounds pretty fat...

   I've just decided I want a bunch of kids with several baby mamas, so my children will all look different and I can match em' with my wardrobe

   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!

   takes the "THE" out of psychotherapist...

   All we need to survive is, one person who truly loves us

   No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed

   What did the duck say to the prostitute? "Put it on my bill"

   You know it's time to wash your wank sock when you drop it and it sounds like plates dropping.

   Three fun thing to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart."

   1 MLB Baseball bat = $175.00, 52 HR Balls = $885.30, Winning the MLB HR Derby with your dad pitching = PRICELESS!

   As long as Rebecca Black is alive Casey Anthony will always be the 2nd most hated living person

   Sacha Baron Cohen's TV show, Who Is America?, is the greatest!

   There's going to be a huge line outside of Whitney Houston's funeral next week. Which, coincidentally, is what killed her.

   I went to the garage today to unpack Christmas decorations. I found a present from last year that I had forgotten to give the kids. I was so disappointed! They would really have loved that kitten.