Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?

   Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!

   I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!

   There's a further south than South America?

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   May the Kool-Aid be strong with you.

   A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.

   Euthanasia is OK, but most people can live without it.

   There’s good sex, then there’s no-hole-left-untouched sex.

   Disgusting! The Toronto Raptors are in the NBA finals. This is all Obama's fault!

   I'm happy to say that my life is now plastic free! except for a few Tupperware containers and my Facebook account.

   So why did poor Sally sell seashells on the seashore when anyone could just walk along the beach and pick them up for free?

   I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it's not their fault that I'm scared of them. I do however, scream while doing so.

   Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!

   Once again those were not booes. They were alternative cheers.

   I don't understand why tan suits enrages people. Maybe, I'm too sane to understand it.

   The Go-Go's are bringing a vegetable to tonight's dinner party. They said, "We got the beet."

   Can't decide between joining the US military, or opening a musical instrument store. I'm stuck between Iraq and a harp place.

   I was at the park flying my kite and this guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"