Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just doing my daily check here to see what to post.

   Just found out the results of my mammogram - I tested positive for having boobs

   Can you imagine watching Jersey Shore in Smell-O-Vision?

   Three fastest ways of communication: Tele-Phone, Tele-Vision & Tell-a-Woman.

   "The cancer was initially treatable but the x-ray tech who saw it didn't bother to report it to the proper authorities.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, 4 cd's, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   If the g-string is any indicator, the g-spot is somewhere near the anus.

   i can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record, I can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record...

   "This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,to dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,for dog,20 dog,seconds dog," Now read without the word (dog)

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   I think Kanye turned the power off because Beyonce gave the best Super Bowl performance of all time.

   The weather outside is frightful! Hot sex is so delightful,theres nobody else you know, text a ho,text a ho,text a ho

   Get an education. Global warming/climate change is indicated by extremes. Unusual, extrem heat waves, droughts, hurricane season, sunamus, tornadoes, cold weather systems, blizzards, etc.

   If you wear two swim suits you can pee in the pool this summer-Dr.Fauchi

   If somebody has a 50 gallon barrel for rainwater please PM me, but I'm not going to pick it up because I don't need it.

   We can all say "Happy New Year" , but don't forget those who lost their homes and loved ones today due to the tornadoes; I am sure its not a very Happy New Year for some. So for me, I am just thankful for what I still have today.

   When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would make to her life. My concern was how would she cope now that she was single....

   If I could play golf with any celebrity, it would be Stephen Hawking. I would win by a landslide, assuming he doesn't play with a handicap.

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat