Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, Red Bull, I still don't have wings but I do have the inability to talk coherently and I'm vibrating so hard, I think I just came.

   One of the women I work with said she doesn't feel like being bothered today so she's just going to leave the tampon wrapper right on top of my desk.

   I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it.

   I wonder if drug dealers do black Friday lol ...weed and crack 20% off

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   Ladies, if you want something fixed around the house, don't offer your man sex. Just start fixing it yourself. Your welcome.

   I wonder if chickens ever wake up feeling foul?

   What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?

   COCAINE IS NATURE'S CAPS LOCK

   Here is a joke for all of the mind readers out there....

   George Lucas loves himself some dark chocolate.

   I wished I had a Med-Alert bracelet....I've fallen off the fiscal cliff, and I can't reach my Jager-Bomb! ツ

   The most beautiful women are often the most insecure, so don't forget to treat them like garbage too once in a while.

   Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, buy I'm proud of him to finally having the ball to come clean.

   Every 3rd world country in the world has a soccer team. Heck, all you need is empty space and a ball.

   Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my house .

   I'm allergic to alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity, walking pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu!

   When a guy tells you he's meat free, it's a safe bet he's also girlfriend free.

   Fast food restaurants are being forced to do away with their "Play Places" because it has become too expensive to employ the army of Structural Engineers required to keep up with the skyrocketing weight of today's children.

   wondering why hockey players are gotta be so effin' greedy!! Enough already.....