Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never realised there is a career for statues in the movie industry until I watched Bella in Twilight.

   PSA: My patience today is about as thin as my oldest pair of panties. If you are stupid please stay away from me.

   When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying "I hid the body in the sewer"

   To all of you women that get offended by men looking at your chests, just turn around, we like looking at butts too...

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   One hour long text conversation = 5 minute face to face conversation.

   I hate when you friend request a hot chick, then they add you and you're going thru their pics only to find out they look like Rosie O'Donnell at 75 years old coming off a thirty day drinking binge.

   I think the smartest, most original thing a person can talk about is how early the Christmas decorations are up this year.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ I'm in love with my computer. It's getting pretty serious

   So many women.... So little time to disappoint them all...

   My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough.

   Sometimes people put up walls, not to close people out but because they’re in the construction business and that’s kinda like their job.

   im not sure if I'm hungry but I'm gonna eat anyway just in case

   I want to move to Colorado that way this be a legal "Wake-N-Bake"

   Well I'm planning to do something tomorrow, as long as I have totally finished doing nothing from today. I really like being completely done with nothing which really says something about my dedication to nothing.

   I love intelligent women with high I.Q.s, but man it sure makes keeping track f the lies a pain in the ass..!

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas

   Did you hear that? Busta Rhymes is the best corner in the game. Don't you dare put him up against Crabtree.

   I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.

   Why is it that everytime there is a snowstorm, New Yorkers act like it's the worst storm ever? It's been snowing and storming for millions of years. Get over it. We deal with it all the time up here!