Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone I don't like says a bad joke.

   I am such a thoughtful Lad! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up.

   These girls in my online class are sooo hot hot. ... Oh wait nevermind, that's just internet porn.

   just shot my eye out ..the sights must be off on my Red Ryder B.B. gun!

   undefeated at BattleShip. Mostly because I stack my ships on top of one another.

   Aww man....I hate it when I catch a major headache hours before the countdown to the New Year's. Waking up at 4am....feels like I got thrown in the future....Where am I? What year is it ppl?

   I just had a fart so epic & explosive Michael Bay has agreed to direct the sequels!

   Nothing is sexier than knowing the person you're with can be with anyone they want and they chose you or atleast that is what my wife says.

   Baby, You're rapidly replacing porn as the reason I get on the internet.

   women are like cable tv: some channels are good and some channels are bad, but those really fun kinky channels always cost you more.

   5 guys for lunch ...the burger place, you sickos

   Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years.

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   After going back to school I can now spell G.H.O.S.T.

   The problem with all these Ivy League MBAs is they have learned to treat consumers as statisics and forgotten how to treat customers as people.

   Well on and on and on and on I can't stop y'all 'til the early morn' So rock y'all tick tock y'all to the beat y'all C'mon and rock y'all I give thanks for inspiration It guides my mind along the way*RIP MCA

   Time to re-boot, these ones are worn right through the sole.

   Like Granny G says, keep it in your pants

   a texas tourist asked an irish man why divers fall backwards when diving to which he replied: if they fell forward they would still be on the boat

   Strange how I'm only on Facebook when I'm on the toilet... I'm literally giving a s$it while reading stuff I don't give a s$it about.