Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Porn does nothing to me but cause hard feelings anymore

   Many years ago, I was kicked out of the Beastie Boys for suggesting that partying was more of a privilege than a right.

   That weird moment when you're talking in class, then your friend stops talking & you see that your teacher is looking right at u

   The doctor told me I was borderline diabetic. So I told the doctor, 'What are you getting racial for? Why do you got to say 'borderline,''cause I'm Mexican? Can't you say 'almost'?'

   Met someone today at the dentist with only a dollar to their name all they could afford was buck teeth

   So... I noticed this tough guy on the bus wearing the same Pantera t-shirt for three straight days. Today he was wearing a Slayer shirt... Thank God for laundry day!

   When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.

   MTV Cribs is a nice reminder that we all act like complete idiots when we come into money.

   women dont trust women, why should i???

   I'm playing the F YOU song in your presence for a reason. Subliminal message delivered.

   life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain, and then get struck by the light

   can't afford these gas prices anymore..... I'm charging up Leroy's Buzz Lightyear car and leaving for work 4 hours early tonight.

   If google is great why cant I find my sanity??

   has been trying to plug the keyboard from his PC into his HI-FI system. Call me stupid if you want but that would just be stereo typing

   trying to figure out a way to text 'off' to my alarm so I don't have to get up.

   Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

   she didn't think it was as funny when her plans for a Dutch Oven backfired.

   How many crap loads are there in a sh*t ton again? cuz that's exactly how Cleveland feels like right now...

   Watching tear jerker movies and eating big bowls of ice cream .. anybody got a Tampax ?

   The difference between me and R. Kelly is that when I pee on people I am swimming in a lake.