Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go ahead lady, make a scene about how fast the bus driver is trying to get to my stop while I record it on youtube and titled it, Uppercutt Part II - "the story of the left hook"

   Ladies, is wrong to say that all men want is to get into your pants... some of them want to rip them off.

   I'm gonna wear dockers with my Hawaiian shirt to work this Friday

   You look me in my eye and tell me that I don't have what it takes to be a Cyclops.

   Girls really seem to dig it when a dude has an overwhelming inability to become emotionally close with anyone, especially them.

   Apparently rumors were going around that the Hip Hop reggae artist known as "Shaggy" had died due to a stabbing in a bar last week. Mr. Boombastic reassured all of his fans by saying "It Wasn't Me"

   a foot tattoo on a guy considered gay?

   whoever said "Haste makes waste" never watched me eat a pizza!

   So I'm looking in the fridge and I see a quart container with a yellow liquid in it. We always put pineapple in those, so I think "Yeah, pineapple will go good with that!". So, long story short, I made a vodka and egg drop soup.

   May the groundhog perish in the 2013 Nor'easter!

   Correction, its women who suck at sex who accuse men of only being after one thing, sex.

   Idiocy is the shortest distance between my fist and your face.

   Anyone remembers walking far away from your house just to see how good is your wireless home phone reception before it goes out?.....Man did those phones have good battery- life

   weed"its something to do ,when there's nothing to do,that makes nothing to do,something to do

   Screw YOLO! Give me a ROLO!!!

   I had a dream about a planet run by orphans who sing a song filled with unintelligible lyrics and had authority figures with voices that blared like brass. Then I woke up and A Charlie Brown Christmas was on.

   If you want somebody, just tell them. The only games you should play with people are strip poker and naked Twister.

   the way everything you do is connecting to facebook, I look for bank accounts to get connected one day & the bank teller will say "that check bounced but we see ur friends with this person who looks rich...ask them to borrow some"

   Wife and grandchildren are out of town. I'm eating ice cream for breakfast in my whitie tighties, I'm the man of the house now!!

   While looking around at Babies R Us I noticed....Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.