Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes I wake up Grumpy but I generally just let her sleep!

   ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶ YIPPEE!!

   What's the best thing about dating a fat b!tch? You can leave the toilet seat up and they don't notice.

   WANTED: A single girl who can cook, love and has a good Job. Must have a house and a car. Please send me pictures of your HOUSE and CAR.

   She wanted to do it doggy style so I sniffed her ass, humped her leg and bit her on the face.

   1f you c4n r34d 7h15 you r34lly n33d t0 g3t 0ff 7h3 c0mpu73r 8^)

   You say, 'I think its soo cool when your EX becomes an XXL' What if it's caused by anxiety of losing you and missing you?

   My signature move is walking past all the ladies in the gym with my chest puffed out before using all of the exercise equipment incorrectly.

   Obama...Winner winner chicken dinner...(what to soon?)

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

   I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes”

   likes calling Ketchup, "meatloaf hot fudge".

   I don't understand why people are so amazed when I say that my grandfather survived Auschwitz. I mean, most German officers did.

   Russia and China are now allies, Iran and North Korea are building nukes and Obama is our Commander In Chief? Hmmmm....Where toast!!

   what if "Gangnam Style" is just giant rain dance and brought hurricane Sandy upon America?

   What happens when a community organizer plays with the big boys? Warmonger to Putin's toy in one day.

   "False information" spelled backwards is "False information"

   At 11:11 AM and PM today. It will be 11-11-11 11 11 and that doesn't mean sh!t. Carry on with your day folks.

   Lazy rule #1257687895 : You so lazy you didn't complete reading the number!

   have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.