Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody out there, have lots of sex

   Express lanes should have signs banning old people and people paying with food stamps.

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   How would there be a lot of confused babies whose dad's screwed each other? Did the Supreme Court overturn nature and allowed same-sex conception too?

   Sorry you live in a U.S. state that considers gay rights to be more harmful than tobacco.

   I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.

   greatest pickup line ever: "Some of my friends were talking about some video game and I don't want to sound like a loser in front of them.. so what's Black Ops?"

   kill illuminati. they want my soul, my mind, and my body.

   I bet people don't even wear capes in Cape Town.

   "You can't have your cake and eat it too." - People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake

   n't having a smoking section in a restaurant, like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

   we know its women's day today so ladies will you stop flooding facebook with ur stupid updates and liking other women updates.. its not your birthday

   Hey girl I want you to lay in my bed and pretend your knees hate eachother

   is thinkin'....Hey Charmin...I'm not a bear...my family and I DON'T get toilet paper stuck on our butts when we wipe....can you PLEASE think of a new ad campaign.... No. For Real. This one sucks...and it's starting to make me boycott EVER buying Charmin.

   Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!

   Here's two short jokes and one long joke...joke, joke, jjoooookkkeeee.

   has logged out. You missed him by mere minutes

   all alone on christmas so why not get drunk ? Beers in the fridge !

   A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

   The villian in the new batman movie is named ''Bain''........I know that Obama has something to do with this!!!