Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can say 'strawberry blonde' all you want. I know a fu*king ginger when I see one.

   a hot girl just offered me some but it seemed a little fishy...

   In Canada, Canadian Bacon is called ham...

   Things Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Ate, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ [Censored].

   If I had one wish, I wish my pen!s could cure cancer, if taken orally.

   You can sue tobacco companies and McDonalds, so can I sue Barry Manilow for making me a pu$$y??

   FOL- Fart out Loud.

   My wife says I look tough with my headphones on...she doesnt need to know I am listening to Annie

   I may be rude crude and socially unnacceptable but I'm cute dammit!

   : Nothing in the world is more obnoxious than a middle-aged white woman on her second glass of wine. Seriously, calm down

   More than 7 billion other people in the world,and not one of them is naked in front me right now. That's not right...

   Wise man:"Some girls beg, some girls borrow. Some girls lead & some girls follow. Some bring joy & some bring sorrow, but the best girls just suck & swallow!"

   Has a dream that one day, all women will be judged not by the content of their character but by the contents of their blouse....

   I shot someone with a starting pistol.I've been charged with race crimes

   Seriously! How do they train the animals look so sad in those ASPCA commercials? They are convincing.

   Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

   I miss the days when I could easily guess the password to my parents computer! Now I have to dust for fingerprints to sign in :(

   Thank you Charlotte for bringing all the farm animals together by being the first ever Social Network "Web" Designer.

   Kodak recently filed for bankruptcy after 130 years in business.. I'd like to see the company just reorganize, but we'll see how it goes as the story develops.

   Young guys with beards are always secretly sad when you talk to them & don't compliment their beard.