Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   Midgets smell different things in crowded elevators.

   if you listen very carefuly you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance

   Circus shuts down..Obama leaves office... Coincidence? I think not

   Freedom of Speech has returned to America .... Apparently it is finally now legal once again to make fun of our President after 8 long years.

   Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt: "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   What if you just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in your mouth...

   This tampon tastes like I should have asked a couple more questions.

   Miami Heat are a big bunch of cry babies... LeBron is a douche. THEY SUCK!!

   Hey, did you know that Bruce...."He goes by Caitlyn now."... Ugh,,, fine. Did you know that Caitlyn Wayne is Batman?

   to Santa, "My Mommy doesn't belive in you! Santa to kid, "Tell mommy to stop believing Obama!"

   Ladies, why does it take you so long to get ready? Is it that hard to put on a fu?king apron?

   If I ever become a teacher.. I'm stapling McDonalds application.. To every failed test..

   Casey Anthony wants to be out of jail by Halloween, so she can dress up as a woman who didn't kill her baby

   You know it was a rough night when your IPhone doesn't recognize you in the morning.

   Instead of RIP, do Hindus put BRB on their gravestones?

   more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watchin' a donut roll down a hill..

   can't wait to hear President Obama's State of the Union speech tonight...sleeping pills haven't been working!

   I wish I could be gay just to piss off the haters

   I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.