Funny Status Messages

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

   I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs

   Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.

   Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.

   Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.

   I carry around a jar with a cricket for uncomfortable silences.

   The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.

   I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...

   I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.

   I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   there is a big diffrence when a boy and a girl says "i went through a box of tissue watching a movie"

   If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear , you can hear the ghetto .

   I wish you people would punctuate and capitalize your sentences correctly. It makes copying and pasting easier.

   I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my flowers."

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   To the people of the land of the free and home of the brave ...we salute you and mourn with you...