Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can you keep earth clean when it's made of dirt and water?

   Dear Boomtown Rats, It's true I can't tell you why YOU don't like Mondays, but here's a list of reasons why I don't....a) they start too early, b) they finish too late, c) they last ALL day, d) they just keep coming back EVERY FRICKIN WEEK. That is all.

   Lady Gaga... "Being asked to be godmother of Elton Johns son brought a lump to my throat." No Gaga that's called an adams apple, mate.

   it's never to early in life to do anything...except get out of bed!

   Just deleted all attractive people from his facebook friends list. Woah that feels better.

   While I'm Gone....Just smile it's the 2nd Best thing you can do with your Lips....

   If you send me a "send this back" text, I will send it back to you 100 times.

   When I poke, I poke 2 fingers at a time, and I'm coming for your eyes!

   Its one of those days when even fortune cookies are against me.

   Minorites "we have issues we need help with" Corporations "ok, we hear you, you want diverse MnMs

   I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

   Anti hate groups protest hate groups for wanting to take away people's rights, by taking away their rights. That kids is a mental illness.

   First it was a wall. Then a fence. Now it's 20,000 boxes propped up with sticks. And a taco under each one.

   The pet shop owner told me the bird cage wasn't made out of nickel. I guess that makes it a Nickeless Cage.

   Going forward, they now be called the New England PayForIts.

   I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.

   Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."

   This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.

   #you sound like you got a stimulus check. Not only is Trump your prez, he is your sugar daddy

   Don't be so hard on Melania. It's not like that high school dropout who got by on her looks and married rich ever took shortcuts in life.